Why Am I Still Fat?

When I was pregnant, I worried about A LOT of stuff. I worried if G would be healthy, I worried if I'd had too much caffeine, I worried about postpartum depression, I worried about pushing a football out of my vagina. (If you're thinking... "A football? Wake up honey!" Then to you I say, Isn't a football enough to worry about?!) I didn't worry about losing the "baby weight". After all, everyone told me that it would "literally melt right off" with breastfeeding. One friend told me she had to have her husband bring her huge brownies every damn day so she could get the calories. I am not making this shit up. But apparently, ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE WERE. WTF.

Now, maybe I shouldn't have believed them. But they were so convincing. And there were so many of them saying the same thing! Why are people perpetuating this lie?! I already wanted to breastfeed, I didn't need convincing! I just thought, "Oh, perfect. I'll have this baby and the baby will just suck all the fat right off of me! Score!"

Well, 16 damn weeks later and guess who hasn't lost anything except sleep and self esteem? That would be me. And since I've been exclusively breastfeeding at least every two hours since the kid was born, I'm thinking there is a flaw in this logic.
 

Seriously, I don't have TIME to try to lose weight. Any and all "free time" that I have right now is devoted to sleep. Exercising is for people with round the clock nannies. And eating healthy? Last I checked I wasn't coordinated enough to eat a salad with one hand, but let me tell you the things you CAN eat with one hand: donuts, chips, donuts, brownies, booze, coffee. Also, occasionally maybe something like spaghetti, but only if someone else cuts it for you first.

Please don't make me work for it. There's still time for this whole breastfeeding thing to work, right? RIGHT?!